Memories Of Me

You used to be so alone
You never let anybody in
Never used believe in love
Maybe you never will again

You finally let someone inside
Thought you had a partner for life
But all that slipped away
Now you doubt you'll have a wife

You never liked to smile
Most days you still don't
Maybe you'll find what you're looking for
But you still believe you won't

You always built up your hurt inside
You never would let it out
You finally let God take all that rage
But once again you're full of doubt

You never felt like you fit in
You were meant for a different age
You never would talk about these things
You always wrote them down on the page

Drawing, painting, writing poetry
How you always dealt with your pain
For a few years you thought you had it all
But now only the memories remain

You gave and gave of yourself
Maybe you let yourself get used
But now that it's all said and done
Once again you've been refused

Now you sit and wait and wonder
Who you were and who you will be
At times you can't stand to look in the mirror
And face all of those memories of me

The Big Empty

You used to love life
You used to live free
You used to be so true
But it all turned to deceit

You once had a heart of gold
You once made people smile
But you hardened your heart
And your virtue you defiled

You were once so full of life
But inside now's an empty hole
The meds became your idols
The addiction took it's toll

You try to fill the void inside
So you won't feel so odd
Fill it with the trinkets you buy
Now money's become your God

All of your decency you sold
For the price of your next fix
Anything to get you by
You fall for Satan's tricks

High on false happiness
Spinning out of control
Gold and money and drugs
The only price was your soul

The hole inside becomes a monster
It's hunger is never sated
Your life's purpose is to feed it
Or to keep it medicated

You forget everyone around you
Everyone you've ever known
All frosaken for your demon
And now you find yourself alone.

You once were so beautiful
Blessed with an angels grace
But now it's all begun to fade
And the pain is written on your face

Now all that was is gone
You're still left feeling hollow
Now you've left your legacy
So sad for those that follow

Haunted Heart

Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Haunted Heart
Category: Romance and Relationships
I woke up from a dream today
So terrible and so real
Bringing back memories
And things I didn't want to feel

Dreams of a love that was lost
And all the pain it put me through
A nightmare of hurtful things
We should never say never do

Dreams of someone who doesn't exist
At least she doesn't anymore
Once she gave me so much hope
Of a family and so much more

We spent years together
Planning out all our dreams
But all that's gone now
And nothing's what it seems

I was so happy for a time
Wrapped in her loving arms
But I can't feel that now
And all I feel is harm

Once I felt love like I've never known
When I looked into her eyes
But after all that's happened
I wonder how much was only lies

Just how much of it was real
And how much of it only show
My heart wants to believe
But now I'll never really know

Was the girl I loved even real
Is what hurts the most
Was she the love of my life
Or just a beautiful ghost

I remember the girl I met
On that warm spring night
But she changed over time
And vanished from my sight

We had the love like you see in movies
Seemed nothing could tear us apart
But something must have changed
Something deep inside her heart

You see that girl is gone today
She no longer exists
But I still remember her face
And the taste of her kiss

Now just memories remain
Along with the devil's taunting
Because today she's gone far away
But in my heart she's still haunting

The Light

Monday, February 22, 2010
The Light
Category: Life
This winter has been so long and so cold
At times it's been unbearable
With pains that cut me to my soul

So many weeks of skies dreary and grey
Just brought me further down
Into thoughts so dark that I just can't say

It happens when your heart is broken
When you feel you've lost it all
A time of feeling all alone and forsaken

Too many days of snow and ice and rain
Wouldn't let me get outside
So I could escape all the thoughts and the pain

I was forced to face all that I didn't want to feel
Like an animal trapped in a cage
But in this time I started to learn how to heal

And then the sun came out shining so brightly one day
It quietly parted the sky
Gracefully chasing all of the clouds away

In the warmth of the sun I went out for a drive
A chance to finally meet a friend
Ana after hours of us talking I felt so alive

It felt so good to hear someone laugh and see them smile
I felt a weight lifted from my heart
While making my way home mile after mile

It was another of life's many journeys
Like finding a safe haven
After being tossed in the storms of the seas

I could feel my heart start to awaken
Soaking in all of the rays of hope
Ready to take back that which had been taken

The sun and the future once again seemed bright
It's a wonder what can change
When you're once again standing in the light

Dreamer

Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Dreamer
Category: Romance and Relationships
I want to find a love that makes my heart speed up when she walks into the room. A love that will send shivers up my spine when I feel her touch. A love who will warm my heart when she calls out of the blue just because she was thinking about me. I want to find a love that I can make feel safe and protected. A love that I can encourage and make her believe she is capable of anything she puts her mind to. Someone I can make feel like they're loved like they've never been loved in all their life. I want a love who likes to hold hands while we're walking around or riding in the car. I want a love I can share my hopes and dreams with. I want a love who I can trust with my heart. Is there still such a love out there in this day and time? Maybe I'm just a dreamer born at the wrong place in time. I think deep down in our hearts, we all want this kind of love, don't we?

Pete 2-17-10

Silence

Saturday, February 13, 2010
Silence
Category: Life
In the silence of a snow storm a few months ago
I knew something was wrong
That something was gone

In the silence standing alone on that day
I knew we'd seen our better days
I knew something had slipped away

In the silence found in prayer weeks ago
I gained a grip on sanity
Dealt with the pain inside of me

In the silence driving alone in the rain that night
I wrestled with the hurt within
So a new life could begin

In the silence I try to find a way to forgive
Those who gave me hurt
And myself for who I hurt

In the silence of a moment alone today
I knew I had to sit down and write
I knew I had to make it right

I found peace in the silence

Pete 2-13-10

My Darkest Hour

Just when I thought I was getting better, I keep getting hit with reminders of what happened. I won't go into details, but I thought the hurt was getting better from the breakup and then some stuff happened to upset me again. I hit a low point yesterday; probably the lowest I've ever been. It was so bad that I actually scared myself with the things that were going through my mind. I've been trying to stay strong for all of you that read my blogs and get encouagement from them here and on my ministry pages. I felt like I had to stay positive and just say things will be alright. I'm not being arrogant or anything, but there are quite a few people who read my writings. I thought that if I wrote any negative or depressing stuff that it wouldn't be good for you guys. The thing is though, I'm really hurting. It's a little over a month since my fiance' and I broke up. She's getting married today or tomorrow I think, but I can't turn my emotions of like that. We spent 2 years and 8 months together. I don't know how she felt about me, but I gave her all of my heart, my love, just everything period. The things she did are very wrong. I won't say anymore. I just want to move on. I even went out with a friend a few times since the breakup, just as friends I thought. I know now that she was looking for something more and I let it go too far and ended up hurting her I think. She's looking for something I'm just not capable of giving right now. On top of everything else, we keep having icy weather, so I can't go out and spend time with friends, so I end up sitting at home and with my mind not being occupied, I start thinking of everything all over again. I'm just tired of feeling like this. I want to get all of this over with so I can start a new life. I need to find myself again. I need to be out around people again. I just want to start enjoying life again. I want to find that girl out there that can be my best friend, that can go hiking with me, read the bible with me, share the ministry with me, see new places together, and most of all, love me the way I love her. Is that too much to ask? The thing is, I've been hurt a couple of times now and I don't know if I'll be able to open up my heart and trust somebody again. I've been praying to God to bring that woman into my life. I don't know. You probably don't want to hear all of this, but writing is my way of getting things out of my system so I can heal. I'm hoping I've been through my darkest hour now and that things will get better from here on. Anyway, I'm sorry to dump all of my junk on you my friend. I hope it doesn't make you wanna quit reading my blog.