Just when I thought I was getting better, I keep getting hit with reminders of what happened. I won't go into details, but I thought the hurt was getting better from the breakup and then some stuff happened to upset me again. I hit a low point yesterday; probably the lowest I've ever been. It was so bad that I actually scared myself with the things that were going through my mind. I've been trying to stay strong for all of you that read my blogs and get encouagement from them here and on my ministry pages. I felt like I had to stay positive and just say things will be alright. I'm not being arrogant or anything, but there are quite a few people who read my writings. I thought that if I wrote any negative or depressing stuff that it wouldn't be good for you guys. The thing is though, I'm really hurting. It's a little over a month since my fiance' and I broke up. She's getting married today or tomorrow I think, but I can't turn my emotions of like that. We spent 2 years and 8 months together. I don't know how she felt about me, but I gave her all of my heart, my love, just everything period. The things she did are very wrong. I won't say anymore. I just want to move on. I even went out with a friend a few times since the breakup, just as friends I thought. I know now that she was looking for something more and I let it go too far and ended up hurting her I think. She's looking for something I'm just not capable of giving right now. On top of everything else, we keep having icy weather, so I can't go out and spend time with friends, so I end up sitting at home and with my mind not being occupied, I start thinking of everything all over again. I'm just tired of feeling like this. I want to get all of this over with so I can start a new life. I need to find myself again. I need to be out around people again. I just want to start enjoying life again. I want to find that girl out there that can be my best friend, that can go hiking with me, read the bible with me, share the ministry with me, see new places together, and most of all, love me the way I love her. Is that too much to ask? The thing is, I've been hurt a couple of times now and I don't know if I'll be able to open up my heart and trust somebody again. I've been praying to God to bring that woman into my life. I don't know. You probably don't want to hear all of this, but writing is my way of getting things out of my system so I can heal. I'm hoping I've been through my darkest hour now and that things will get better from here on. Anyway, I'm sorry to dump all of my junk on you my friend. I hope it doesn't make you wanna quit reading my blog.
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